I have a bazillion thoughts bouncing around in my head........none of them are connected or probably even complete at that so.... I am going to try to put them down in some sort of order and see if they will quit playing PinBall in my head before I
TILT!!!!! (Reference that only the older people will get I'm sure!)
First have I told y'all that we are moving to Texas? Well we are - truly we are..We as in Randy and Twila and Brittney and her crew. Randy and RC have an opportunity to buy a business together (a pre-existing profitable business).....which I thought would be a GREAT thing but now that the actual thought of packing up a house and relocating again is becoming a reality it is not looking so GREAT any more. I say LET'S JUST START OVER - we could take our pictures (because some of them are irreplacable) my rocking chair (my sister bought me when I was pregnant with my first child) and my table & china (both belonged to my MamMa) and then go - well I guess Randy would insist on taking his bikes..... but everything else I think could just be replaced with enough money (oh yeah that's why we aren't leaving them behind - I remember).
I know those of you that know me will not be surprised here - but I have a tendancy of letting things become personal......if someone is inadverdantly hurt by something even remotely to do with me - in my Mind it is ALL MY FAULT and even if there is someway I can fix it and do I still can't shake the fact that I caused Pain to someone I care about.......I'm there again and with all the other stress going on right now.....I cannot shake the funk and my poor husband has to deal with my crying and then yelling and then crying etc....... at least I recognize the pattern and am now trying to reel it in so he doesn't have to get totally splattered with Verbal Vomit. Between family and friends I feel like I am carrying the WORLD on my shoulders a BAD WORLD one that will spin off the axis if I make the wrong move and I have to say I have a history of wrong steps, deviating from the intended path so I'm trying to balance the world and walk so straight of a path that I do not even take one tiny step wrong.
This move has me stressed to the max - lots of things had/have to happen for it happen. It's been a whole bunch of hurry up and wait. Like Randy is moving to Austin in a week (ONE WEEK !) from today, I will go when I find a job or when Britt and the family goes after school is out in June. From the time he accepted the opportunity to buy the company to Last Monday - the 8th we knew it would be "sometime in January" but not the exact date. Randy is very much a - it will happen person where I am "I HAVE TO KNOW WHEN, WHERE, HOW........" person. So where he is a little concerned about the whole change he is NOT freaked by it like I am. I can't remember the last time I slept all night without waking up and fretting about how this will play out or that will play out.
Like Randy goes online to find an Auto loan because we have carpooled for years and he will be making a living by driving to many different cities thus putting many many miles on a car - so he had to get a new car, knowing that it will be easier to get a loan while he is still at the company he has worked at for 8 years than it will be under a NEW SELF OWNED company he gets a loan buys a car and takes on another car payment and higher insurance premiums. This was not a WANT this was a necessity - so he got a new car. Where I would have drug my feet and thought how can I do this without taking on more bills prior to going to a job that won't have a "Salary" attached to it - Well actually I would have turned the job down because there were too many obsticles in the way. Not that that is what I wanted him to do - I think it will be a great opportunity and I am so looking forward to being only 3 or 4 hours from my other grandchildren (I will be able to see them more than 1 or 2 times a year- YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH not to mention to my own children and the rest of the family - the only one in either of our families that will be more than about 10 hours away will be Randy's Brother.)
As I type this - I am reminded that God has helped me this far and he will carry me on. He is in charge and in control of the Blueprints/Itenary that I so long to view about where my life will be 6 months from now but as I am reminded time and time again there is no FAITH in knowing - the Faith comes in the unknown.....hopefully this is a lesson I can learn and embrace this time instead of having to relearn it time and time again. (I can't wait to read this a YEAR from now and think.....why was I so stressed?)
I leave you with a picture of what Beauty looks like ours does not have the spoiler on the back and is grey not White (Beauty is what we named Randy's car.....since mine was already called the Beast - for it's habit of gobbling down the gas) 
