I've been Cheating on you

Blog it is true ... I have been cheating on you, I have found that I like Facebook. I am so sorry I really think there is room in my life for both of you, but please do not make me choose. Facebook will accept quick little hellos where I feel you want me to stay and chat awhile. Besides Facebook allows everyone to see my words where you want people to come visit..and I've negelected you for so long people have probably quit coming to see if I'm even still alive.

Okay seriously people I have had a tough time blog lately because I have had a hard time thinking complete thoughts at all. I have fought depression and the majority of the days it has won. If I start the day off in Bible Study and Prayer I tend to win. However, I listen to the deciever and do not take the time to study.

I've also listened to Satan in other areas lately like when he says ...See you defended someone against everyone else when they were doing something you really didn't agree with but you stood strong beside them and now that they have turned the same actions on you, your not so fast to defend them. In fact your quick to blame them and judge them and write them off. I know that God doesn't turn his back on those that love Him. I am taking a stand to remember the Golden Rule I have been teaching this to the boys but haven't remembered to live it myself.

So I leave you with.. "Do unto Others as you would have them do unto you!"

To Bravely Go......

To bravely go where I have been before.....hmmmm maybe that is "To Cowardly Go Where I have been before!"

I have been in a dark place the last few weeks....I'm not sure if pity party is the right term because most of the time when I'm at a pity party I can see it for what it is. This has been more of a "I do not know what Is up with me but it isn't pretty" kind of thing.

As you know I have been "Work forced reduced" and am now looking for a job. I thought it was a great thing to be let go - especially since I am receiving unemployment so it isn't a major impact on the finances. However, I think I am feeling a little lost because so much of what is TWILA is a sense of accomplishment achieved from work.....no work - no sense of accomplishment. I have also been doing a Bible study with a friend of mine.. Beth Moore's Get Out of the Pit, which has made me look long and hard about certain areas of my life.....areas that were hidden and ignored for so long that once brought into the life they smelled, they were covered in rotten growth and bugs (we all know I do not like bugs!). But dealing with them and actually putting them in the ground (buried - because they are dead) is helping.

I am making a committment to my friend (HEY CINDY!) to quit hiding when things are bad. I am making a committment to my family to quit withdrawling when I feel the darkness and allow them to bring the light into the darkness one small flame at a time until I have that burning bright going to get sunburned feel from the raging sunshine all thier candles created.

Oh yeah another reason I need to find a job - the perfect job for me that God has in place already - is so the lines between "I am Grandma" and "I am momma" are not so blurred - thanks for putting up with the butting in so much Brittney and RC....I will try to do better and remember "I'm not the momma" and it isn't my job. Love you guys.

So now aren't you glad you emailed asking when I am going to update again???????

I am ALIVE!

Just wanted to reassure everyone I was still around......

So much has happened since I last blogged I will just try to hit the highlights....
a. I was laid off
b. Andrew turned 3
c. AC turned 7
d. Nyki and Jeremy moved to a new house
e. Randy, Britt, Trace, Andrew, and Kailey went to visit Amarillo
f. Randy and I have gotten active in PrePaid Legal - once we saw how great it is we want to share it with others......if interested let me know!
g. I was approved for Unemployment so am being picky about what jobs I apply for - do not want to accept the wrong one because that quickly becomes misserable!

So how has everyone else been?

New Look

You will have noticed by now I'm sporting a new look......well at least my Blog is! I want to Thank my Daughter-in-Law for setting me up with such a pretty - uplifting look! Thanks T!

I have a funny story to share with you regarding this look. As anyone that has read this, my facebook or received an email from me lately will know I'm going through a really rough time. So I have a dear friend that I rely on heavily when I am in the midst of Darkness - I truly believe that anyone that has walked or walks in the Darkness understands what I am going through better than someone that has never experienced the DARKNESS of depression. Anyway I digress (I know THAT's a shock!)

My friend pointed out to me that I am mistaking Money for Wealth and vice versa...I am very wealthy in love and family - even if money is tight I am WEALTHY! So I wrote to my friend that I had come up with a bi-line from some advice she had given me. The bi-line is "the cubbard is bare but our cup runneth over" (see it up there.....you know a play on the Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard.......poem)

Wow it's taking me a while to get to the funny part - HUH!

So I wrote to her and said my bi-line is going to be "the cubbard is bare but our cop runneth over"....so as most of you know my son is a police officer , I get an email asking me "what did S run over?" did you see the typo? our cop runneth over....instead of cup. Luckily T is better at proof reading than I am. Ok maybe it was just funny to me but it made me laugh OUT LOUD.

Reflective Mood

Somethings that have me giving into the darkness lately
1. Hating my job with no other prospects out there to really look at.
2. Being so far from Florida (remember when I couldn't wait to get back to Texas? Yeah not so much anymore)
3. Not seeing my Daddy on his birthday......heck I even almost failed to call him and wish him a happy birthday.
4. Finding out that no matter how hard I try not to add stress to someone else I tend to ALWAYS do it...... Believe me that is the last thing I want to do to people I love!
5. Listening to the news talk about how much worse the economy is going to be before it gets better.....
6. Finances! Oh to never have to worry about money again!


Somethings that have me fighting HARD agains the darkness
1. Wonderful precious grandbabies (even though NONE are babies anymore!)
2. Game night with my daughters and son-in-laws - I LOVE to Win but I will even take losing if it means I get to spend some time with the girls (and their hubbies) - Have I told you blog world how my son-in-laws can make me laugh till I spew my drink through my nose?
3. MY LOVING HUSBAND - God gave me such a gift when it comes to him.
4. Seeing friends I haven't seen but once maybe twice in over 10 years and actually getting to spend quaility time with them. 2 different friends (well 3 I guess one was a couple) in 2 weeks.
5. Getting sweet cards and emails from Julie :)
6. Having my friend Cindy as a sounding board - she's not afraid to tell me like it is and coming from her I'm not afraid to hear it because I know it is done in LOVE!
7. Knowing I have a Saviour that NEVER LETS GO OF ME!

So on reflecting I know that the good out weights the bad so why the heck is it the BAD that always bounces around in my head?

Why I believe Heaven and Hell are real.....

A friend had blogged about how she was struggling trying to decide on a religion or even if she believed in a supreme being. I kind of went into my beliefs - a long comment on her blog and have been thinking about it ever since....so for the 2 maybe 3 people that still read my blog I thought I would share with you some of the reasons why I believe the following:

God loves me and takes care of me.
example: Many years ago when Randy was in college and I was a home maker with 3 fairly young children. Our parents were very helpful during this time of NO INCOME....they let us live in their rent house, rent free, they paid our utility bills, bought diapers, groceries etc. Randy worked truck wrecks when he could and would get paid, he helped with a paper route when he could for income.....he did everything he could to help out. I babysit for some income and we tried to impact our parents as little as possible. Randy worked a truck wreck and got to bring home some frozen fried chicken (hmmmm maybe that is where my dislike for fried chicken comes from - because I used to love it) We had this chicken for at least every other meal for weeks (It was a BIG TRUCK!) Randy made the comment when he brought it home how God had provided for us....I agreed, but then after a few weeks of the same stuff (wow my throat is closing just thinking about the chicken) I was becoming very much like the Isralites in the desert complaining about the manna God provided. I put the last box of chicken in the oven for supper one night, it was a few days before WIC sent us new coupons for Milk, Eggs, Cheese etc......and I literally had nothing to feed my children for Breakfast. I had mentioned calling my parents for help and Randy said no I've prayed about it and God will provide. So I put the food in the oven, had made the mashed potatoes (powdered from a box.....can you say yummy - yeah neither can I) and opened up green beans (Praise God for my parents garden because we had fresh canned veggies....too bad my children wouldn't eat them- LOL). I turned to Randy and yelled OKAY so where is God - what am I suppose to feed the kids tomorrow? He said, If it comes to that he would go to his mom's in the morning and borrow some money or food.........I said why not go now. He stated he would after supper and the kids were in bed. (looking back now and knowing him to be the man he is - I can only imagine how it killed him to have to ask either of our parents for anything.... and believe me he had a wife that reminded him every chance she got that her parents were putting a roof over our heads etc.....) Anyway we were eating supper and the front doorbell rang (I stress the front doorbell because anyone the knew us well would come to the back and ring that doorbell) So I figured since it was the front door it was one of the kids in the neightborhood coming to see if Nyki could play. Randy gets up and goes to the front door......he speaks and then closes the door. He doesn't come back to the table, so I call out "Who was it" He says "Come here it is my God" I get up and go to the living room and see the Chairman of the Deacons at our church come in with bags of groceries - it took him and Randy 2 trips each to get them all in the house. George shares that he was dropping them off at a trailor (in the trailor park at the end of our neighborhood) and when he pulled up the trailor was gone and the family that the church had gathered the groceries for were no where to be found. So he prayed asking God where to take the groceries and God told him our house. We thanked him - I cried (Randy probably did too but I do not rememberr) and George left so we started putting away the groceries and in the first sack I opened their were 3 boxes of cereal - Sugar Puffs (Nyki's favorite), Kix (Brittney's favorite) and Fruit Loops (Shawn's favorite).......now tell me that isn't the hand of God. He knew we would never ask for help - he knew we would die of embarrassment before taking a hand out from our church family and yet he provided a way for us to save face and each of the children to get their favorite (two of which we couldn't even get on WIC).

When we were moving from Florida to Texas a friend of mine (Hey Marilyn) reminded me during the time I was so doubtful that everything would work out that "God Still Rings Doorbells"!

When we do not make a choice to believe then we have made a choice to reject Him and face eternal life in Hell.
example: Over the course of my life I have been in the room 3 different times when someone has taken their last breath. (No this is not a reflection on me.....it is safe to be in the room with me). 1st ONE: My brother-in-law who just before Randy and I were married surrendered his life to Jesus and became a christian - His final moments were his troubled breathing and then silence...that was it. He went from a painful look on his face to one of peace. His wife said he's with Jesus now. 2nd ONE: My uncle who no one knows if he ever made a decision.....most people that knew him says NO. I was in the room with my dad and 2 (possibly 3 - but I know 2 other) uncles when he took his last breath - it was dark, it was scary and he fought and fought hard..... one uncle stated he went in pain, another said quietly to his wife when we were back in the waiting room (he fought against Satan) I heard him and just looked at him he hugged me and said he had seen it before. My dad was weeping so it was later before we spoke of it and he said he didn't have the peace that he had when others had passed that he would see them again in Heaven. I was an adult, mother of 3 at the time and some nights I still have nightmares from his last moments on earth. 3rd ONE: was when my father in law passed....We were with him before his final heart attack, Randy's mom had called us stating that he wasn't good and wanted us to go see him, so my parents kept the kids and we went to the VA hospital to see him. He was alert and knew us - asked if Randy's neice by marriage had made it in from NY with her kids, visited with us. As we were leaving I leaned over to kiss him goodbye and he held my arm for a minute looked into my eyes and told me to take care of his babies. Remind them often of how much he loved them and that he would see them again. I told Randy when I joined him in the hall what he said and that he had just said goodbye. Randy I think wanted to believe that it was a message strictly because he had been in the hospital for over a month and that he wanted to remind the kids that he was thinking of them. We go get the kids from my parents house and take them home bathe them for church the next day and put them to bed. Randy's mom calls shortly there after and the hospital had called the family in. Randy and I only had one car so he couldn't go meet his mom while I took the kids to my sisters and then joined them. He didn't want me to just stay at home, which is what had always happened before. As we were gathering up the kids after I had called my sister to see if we could drop them off there, his mom called again and his nephew was there so she was just heading to the hospital with him. So we took the kids to my Sister's house and headed to the hospital. We got there and they had moved Dad into the CCU unit, but we were told we could come and go all we wanted (which is not normal) we found Mom and Robert and then we went back to see Dad, he wasn't alert any longer. We went back a few times over the next couple of hours and just shortly past midnight, we went back with Randy's mom for her to tell him it was okay to go. He said I love you (the only words he'd spoken since talking to me as I was leaving earlier) and he relaxed (that's the best way I can describe it....he wasn't fighting prior but his body just seemed to relax completely and he had a smile on his face) we walked Mom back to the waiting room and then Randy and I went back in, a nurse met us and stated that they needed a few minutes if we could just wait outside so we went back to the waiting room with his mom, nephew, sister and brother-in-law. The doctor came to the room just seconds after we got back in the waiting room to tell us he was gone.

Now some people might say it is just a fluke that all three died so differently - that it is just individual circumstances but I disagree - I think that in the last moments everyone knows their final destination and that is what makes the difference!

I would also like to share a story I've been told time and time again by my mother who was 9 or so when her grandfather passed. That was when you didn't take people to the hospital (well few people took them to the hospital) Grandpa Stuckey (GPS) had been ill for awhile and so my Mamaw asked my mom to sit in the room with him while she prepared lunch. Mom was playing with her doll on the floor when GPS spoke for the first time in weeks. He said "look there's ......" he began to call out names of his wife, son, and grandson that had all passed before him and then he said very plainly "And there's Jesus". You will never be able to convince my mother (or me for that matter) that Jesus isn't standing there with opened arms to welcome us home when we die.